Mid-life: Pandemic…yes. crisis… no. I am not sad to see my 40’s in the rear-view mirror. I am not depressed or worried that my best years may be behind me. However, as my 50th birthday approached, I noticed that people began to ask me how I felt. I answered as I always did when asked that question…fine. Then, it dawned on me. There was more than one meaning to the question. Sure, I felt fine physically, but how did I really feel…in the larger sense. Was I where I wanted to be in life? Had I accomplished what I thought I should have accomplished in life? The question was an invitation to self-assessment. So, I decided to ask myself the question and give myself an honest answer. For the two weeks leading up to my birthday, I checked-in with myself several times throughout the day to evaluate how I was feeling. It was a great exercise.
As it turns out, I was feeling many things but the most obvious to me was how present I felt…how fully engaged I felt. For me, life during a pandemic required active participation. Thinking back, there had been times when I felt anxious…times when I felt tired. But, upon analysis, I realized those were symptoms of my engagement. Those feelings were to be expected, considering the circumstances. The next thought struck me strongly. I managed to feel good throughout the whole pandemic year. How was that possible?
So, I went on with my day, thoughts rumbling around in my head. I carried that thought with me for the rest of the day, pondering it in my head. At the end of the day I had a conference call scheduled with new clients. The call was going to be a long one, at least a couple of hours. 30 minutes before the call, I walked outside to breathe a little fresh air. I walked up to the top of our hill, took a seat and looked out toward the water. In that moment, I knew the answer. I knew how I had been able to stay positive and feel good. I was looking at it…the answer had never been so clear. For the first time since the pandemic began, I was able to articulate what had only been muddled thoughts. Glenn and I had spent the better part of last year at home…and enjoyed it tremendously. I truly experienced how convenient it was to have a home-based business. My clients were more interested in their homes than ever before and that was so rewarding. Glenn and I completed several home projects that were on our “to-do” list. That moment was the first time all of those thoughts had come into perspective in that way. All other times, those thoughts had been isolated and seemed unrelated. But now, I saw things as fully connected, not as isolated moments. That realization made me feel incredibly happy.
The simple act of asking myself “how do you feel” and answering honestly, allowed me to discover that I felt great about my physical place, as well as my figurative place. That was a big moment. I had to take a breath and sit down after that thought. However, it was true. I realized that I was thrilled to have my own business. I was so happy to be settled in our house (which, is now filled with a new puppy…meet Baxter). How could I not be happy? For a long moment, I sat there while dots connected in my mind. A feeling of immense gratefulness washed over me as I began to understand that there is a strong connection between each of us and where we are from. Our “place”, whether physical or figurative, helps define who we are. We all share that as common ground. That was a powerful moment.
Bring it on…
So, as I sit here tonight, having turned the big 5-0…how do I feel? I feel blessed. I feel lucky. I feel grateful. I feel positive. But most of all I feel connected. I feel connected to my place, connected to the people in my place and connected to myself like never before. And that makes me feel like my 50’s are going to be a great place! Bring ‘em on…….